“I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me. I’m Just Lazy.”
Sara found herself missing trivia night again.
Sitting on the couch, feeling heavy and stuck, she thought,
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just lazy.”
Sara grew up with a very critical mother.
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re not trying hard enough.”
Over time, that voice became her own.
What Sara didn’t realize was that these judgments weren’t motivating her — they were intensifying everything.
When we judge ourselves or others, our emotions tend to rise.
As emotions rise, our thoughts become more extreme — more black and white.
And when that happens, our bodies respond.
For Sara, her body went into freeze.
Heavy limbs. Low energy. Shutting down.
She stayed home, skipped trivia night, and felt even more ashamed — which only reinforced the belief that something was “wrong” with her.
Nothing was wrong with her.
Her nervous system was overwhelmed.
Sara’s brother reacted very differently.
When his emotions rose, his heart rate increased. His thoughts became sharp and attacking.
He felt restless, agitated, and easily provoked.
He often found himself getting into arguments with his girlfriend, saying things he later regretted.
Same process.
Different body response.
For some people, heightened emotion leads to freeze.
For others, it leads to fight.
What both Sara and her brother were experiencing was an automatic cycle:
The body activates.
Heart rate changes.
Thoughts show up.
Behavior follows.
Then comes guilt or shame — because the behavior doesn’t match who they want to be.
And that’s the painful part.
Because our values — who we want to be in this world and how we want to show up — are still there.
Sara discovered that one of her core values is connection.
Not productivity. Not perfection. Connection.
Once she named that, something shifted.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
She began asking, “What matters to me right now?”
One of her value-based goals was going to trivia night with friends.
So when the heaviness showed up in her body, and the judgmental thoughts started —
“You’re lazy.”
“You should just stay home.”
She paused.
And in that pause, she asked herself:
“What’s important to me right now?”
Do I stay home — or do I choose connection?
That pause is Wise Mind.
Not loud.
Not perfect.
Just a small moment of awareness that opens up choice.
Sara didn’t suddenly feel energized.
The heaviness didn’t magically disappear.
But she went to trivia night anyway.
And over time, that Wise Mind voice — the one that helps us act in alignment with our values — began to get a little louder.
Not because she judged herself less overnight,
but because she learned to pause, notice, and choose.
If you recognize yourself in Sara’s experience—feeling stuck, judging yourself, or acting in ways that don’t align with what matters most to you—you’re not doing anything wrong. These patterns often develop automatically, especially when criticism or pressure has been part of your history.
Learning to notice these cycles, reconnect with your values, and create space for Wise Mind is something that can be practiced and supported in therapy.
You don’t have to do this alone.
“I Was Out of My Mind When I Said That…”
It All Begins Here
Understanding Emotional Reactivity Through a DBT Lens
“I don’t know why I said that to her,” Jenna shared after an argument with her daughter. “I was just so angry. When I get mad, it’s like I go from zero to a hundred — and then the next morning I wake up feeling awful. This isn’t who I want to be.”
Many of us recognize this experience. We say something we don’t mean, react more intensely than we intended, or make decisions we later regret. It can leave us feeling ashamed, confused, and disconnected from the person we want to be.
What Jenna experienced is something we often talk about in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): emotion mind..
What Is Emotion Mind?
In DBT, emotion mind is a state where emotions take the driver’s seat. When we’re in emotion mind, our thoughts, words, and actions are fueled by intense feelings rather than balance or perspective.
Emotion mind often:
Runs hot and fast
Uses extreme or absolute language (“You always do this,” “I’ll never forgive them”)
Engages in all-or-nothing thinking (“I’m done,” “I should just quit”)
Comes with strong physical sensations, like a racing heart, clenched jaw, or tight chest
In this state, our nervous system is activated, and our ability to pause, reflect, or communicate skillfully is limited.
“Why Do I Only Regret It Later?”
After sleeping, calming down, or gaining some distance, many people shift out of emotion mind. Perspective returns. Compassion shows up. And regret often follows.
For Jenna, the next day brought thoughts like:
“Why did I say that?”
“I’m a terrible mom.”
“I should know better by now.”
This cycle — emotional reactivity followed by self-criticism — can be exhausting and painful. But it’s important to understand: being in emotion mind doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means your nervous system was overwhelmed.
Learning to Recognize Emotion Mind
Once Jenna learned about emotion mind, something important changed. Instead of only focusing on what she said, she began paying attention to when she was saying it.
She started noticing her personal markers of emotion mind, such as:
Thoughts like “I’ll never be good enough” or “She always does this”
Physical cues like a clenched jaw or rapid heartbeat
An urge to confront, explain, or fix things immediately
Recognizing these signs helped Jenna understand that this was not the moment to send an email, continue an argument, or have a “serious talk.”
From Emotion Mind to Wise Mind
DBT teaches that there’s another state available to us: wise mind — the place where emotion and reason can coexist.
Getting to wise mind doesn’t happen through willpower or self-criticism. It happens through skills.
For Jenna, this meant:
Pausing instead of reacting
Using grounding or regulation skills
Giving herself time before responding
Reminding herself that intense emotions are temporary
Wise mind is where communication becomes clearer, values become accessible, and repair becomes possible.
Therapy Can Help Break This Cycle
We aren’t born knowing how to regulate emotions, recognize our triggers, or communicate effectively during moments of distress. These are learned skills — and therapy can help.
In DBT-informed therapy, clients learn to:
Understand what emotions do and why they show up
Recognize early signs of emotional overwhelm
Reduce self-judgment after emotional reactions
Build skills that support healthier relationships with others and with themselves
Change doesn’t come from never getting emotional. It comes from learning how to respond differently when emotions run high.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’ve ever thought, “I was out of my mind when I said that,” you’re not alone. Emotional reactivity is human. With awareness, skills, and support, it’s possible to respond in ways that feel more aligned with who you want to be.
Healing — like everything meaningful — happens one moment, one skill, and one choice at a time.
Rational Mind: When Logic Takes Over and Connection Gets Lost
It All Begins Here
“I was so focused on my taxes, I didn’t drink any water—and I didn’t notice my wife was upset.”
Michael had been at his laptop for hours, deep in numbers and deadlines. When his wife, Alex, came home and said, “I had a really bad day,” he responded without looking up:
“That’s great, honey.”
He didn’t mean it.
He just wasn’t there.
By the time Michael finally shut his laptop and got into bed, Alex had turned away.
“You just don’t care about me anymore,” she said.
Michael already had a pounding headache from being dehydrated. Now, once again, his wife was hurt—and he didn’t understand how it happened again.
The next day, Alex sat him down. She told him she appreciated how responsible he was and how hard he worked—but she felt invisible. Unseen. Alone.
In couples therapy, Michael began to understand what was happening.
He was living almost entirely in Rational Mind.
Rational Mind is logical, analytical, task-focused, and efficient.
It gets things done.
But it runs cold.
It lacks emotion, values, and connection.
Michael realized that while his taxes were getting done, his marriage was drifting. His body was paying the price too—weight gain, constant dehydration, exhaustion.
Rational Mind helped him function—but it wasn’t helping him live.
What Michael needed wasn’t less logic.
He needed Wise Mind.
Wise Mind is where logic and emotion come together.
It’s where we stay responsible without losing connection—to ourselves or the people we love.
If you recognize yourself in Michael, this isn’t a failure.
It’s information.
And it might be an invitation to slow down, check in, take a sip of water, and ask:
👉 What matters right now—beyond the task in front of me?
That’s the doorway to Wise Mind.
Wise Mind: Where Logic and Emotion Finally Meet
It All Begins Here
Emotion Mind and Rational Mind often feel like opposites.
One is intense, reactive, and driven by feelings.
The other is logical, task-focused, and emotionally distant.
Many people move back and forth between the two—
either overwhelmed by emotion or cut off from it.
Neither place feels balanced.
Wise Mind is where logic and emotion meet.
It’s not about choosing one over the other.
It’s about integrating both.
Wise Mind holds facts and feelings at the same time.
It allows us to think clearly without ignoring what matters.
When we’re in Wise Mind:
We can pause before reacting
We stay connected to our values
We consider impact, not just outcomes
We respond instead of react
Wise Mind often feels quieter than Emotion Mind and softer than Rational Mind.
It may show up as a gentle inner knowing rather than a loud thought.
For Michael, Wise Mind sounded like:
“I still need to finish my taxes—and my relationship matters too.”
Wise Mind helped him drink water, take breaks, and turn toward his wife instead of away from her.
It didn’t slow his life down—it brought it back into balance.
Moving toward Wise Mind doesn’t mean you’ll never enter Emotion Mind or Rational Mind again.
We all move through these states.
The goal isn’t perfection.
It’s awareness.
Each time you notice where you are, you create a choice.
And that choice is the doorway to Wise Mind.
If you find yourself moving between Emotion Mind and Rational Mind and struggling to access Wise Mind, you’re not doing anything wrong. These patterns often develop for good reasons.
Learning to notice these states—and gently shift toward Wise Mind—is a skill that can be practiced and supported in therapy.
You don’t have to figure it out alone.
How to Access Wise Mind When You’re Already Triggered
It All Begins Here
When you’re already triggered, accessing Wise Mind can feel impossible.
Your body is activated.
Your thoughts are racing or shut down.
Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to protect you.
This is not the moment to “think your way out of it.”
When we’re triggered, we’re usually pulled into Emotion Mind or Rational Mind—
either flooded with feeling or disconnected and overly logical.
Wise Mind isn’t accessed through effort.
It’s accessed through slowing the body down enough to create space.
Sometimes that looks like:
Pausing before responding
Taking a sip of water
Letting your feet press into the ground
Noticing your breath without changing it
These aren’t techniques to fix how you feel.
They’re ways to remind your nervous system that you are safe enough right now.
Once there is even a small pause, Wise Mind can begin to emerge.
Wise Mind often sounds like a gentle question:
“What matters most right now?”
“What choice would I feel okay about later?”
“What would be the kindest next step?”
You don’t need to get it perfect.
Accessing Wise Mind in the middle of activation is a practice—
one that becomes more available with support, repetition, and compassion.
If you find yourself struggling to access Wise Mind when emotions are high, you’re not failing. Your system may be overwhelmed, not unskilled.
Learning how to work with your nervous system—not against it—is something that can be practiced and supported in therapy.
You don’t have to do this alone.