“I Was Out of My Mind When I Said That…”
Understanding Emotional Reactivity Through a DBT Lens
“I don’t know why I said that to her,” Jenna shared after an argument with her daughter. “I was just so angry. When I get mad, it’s like I go from zero to a hundred — and then the next morning I wake up feeling awful. This isn’t who I want to be.”
Many of us recognize this experience. We say something we don’t mean, react more intensely than we intended, or make decisions we later regret. It can leave us feeling ashamed, confused, and disconnected from the person we want to be.
What Jenna experienced is something we often talk about in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): emotion mind..
What Is Emotion Mind?
In DBT, emotion mind is a state where emotions take the driver’s seat. When we’re in emotion mind, our thoughts, words, and actions are fueled by intense feelings rather than balance or perspective.
Emotion mind often:
Runs hot and fast
Uses extreme or absolute language (“You always do this,” “I’ll never forgive them”)
Engages in all-or-nothing thinking (“I’m done,” “I should just quit”)
Comes with strong physical sensations, like a racing heart, clenched jaw, or tight chest
In this state, our nervous system is activated, and our ability to pause, reflect, or communicate skillfully is limited.
“Why Do I Only Regret It Later?”
After sleeping, calming down, or gaining some distance, many people shift out of emotion mind. Perspective returns. Compassion shows up. And regret often follows.
For Jenna, the next day brought thoughts like:
“Why did I say that?”
“I’m a terrible mom.”
“I should know better by now.”
This cycle — emotional reactivity followed by self-criticism — can be exhausting and painful. But it’s important to understand: being in emotion mind doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means your nervous system was overwhelmed.
Learning to Recognize Emotion Mind
Once Jenna learned about emotion mind, something important changed. Instead of only focusing on what she said, she began paying attention to when she was saying it.
She started noticing her personal markers of emotion mind, such as:
Thoughts like “I’ll never be good enough” or “She always does this”
Physical cues like a clenched jaw or rapid heartbeat
An urge to confront, explain, or fix things immediately
Recognizing these signs helped Jenna understand that this was not the moment to send an email, continue an argument, or have a “serious talk.”
From Emotion Mind to Wise Mind
DBT teaches that there’s another state available to us: wise mind — the place where emotion and reason can coexist.
Getting to wise mind doesn’t happen through willpower or self-criticism. It happens through skills.
For Jenna, this meant:
Pausing instead of reacting
Using grounding or regulation skills
Giving herself time before responding
Reminding herself that intense emotions are temporary
Wise mind is where communication becomes clearer, values become accessible, and repair becomes possible.
Therapy Can Help Break This Cycle
We aren’t born knowing how to regulate emotions, recognize our triggers, or communicate effectively during moments of distress. These are learned skills — and therapy can help.
In DBT-informed therapy, clients learn to:
Understand what emotions do and why they show up
Recognize early signs of emotional overwhelm
Reduce self-judgment after emotional reactions
Build skills that support healthier relationships with others and with themselves
Change doesn’t come from never getting emotional. It comes from learning how to respond differently when emotions run high.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’ve ever thought, “I was out of my mind when I said that,” you’re not alone. Emotional reactivity is human. With awareness, skills, and support, it’s possible to respond in ways that feel more aligned with who you want to be.
Healing — like everything meaningful — happens one moment, one skill, and one choice at a time.
